How far we've come

A good conversation this afternoon ('this afternoon being a couple of weeks ago, by the time I'm actually posting this) has left me thinking about where I have come from, mentally, emotionally, and culturally, and where I am going.

The more I reflect on it, the more I feel I have been lucky in almost every way possible in my background. I have been loved, educated, challenged, and allowed my independence both from family and friends (while keeping meaningful relationships) and from American culture at large.

Being raised Baha'i and homeschooled (why does no writing software ever recognize any form of this as a word? Is it two?) forced me to make decisions about how I defined myself and who I wanted to be. I couldn't just take on standard values and identities, because they simply were not offered to me. Sure, I played dress up, played with Barbies, and watched cartoons, but always with guidance about gender roles being unnecessary, ridiculous body images being unhealthy, and the knowledge that if I watched one show I wouldn't be able to see any others as my daily TV allowance was only half an hour. I defined myself by my family, my friends, and what I experienced of the world through their stories and my eyes.

I have also been reflecting that my parents' divorce and the challenges we faced individually and as a family in the aftermath were vital for me to become who I am. I am sure there are less traumatic ways I could have become who I want to be, but I am not sure that I would have taken advantage of them. I was left with fears and insecurities I may have been able to avoid given a different life story. But if I had not been forced to take apart my identity and evaluate all the pieces one by one I think it is much more likely that I would still have those faults, and have lost only the ability to name them.

This leads me to a quote of 'Abdu'l-Baha's, that "the mind and spirit of man advance when he is tried by suffering. The more the ground is ploughed the better the seed will grow, the better the harvest will be. Just as the plough furrows the earth deeply, purifying it of weeds and thistles, so suffering and tribulation free man from the petty affairs of this worldly like until he arrives at a state of complete detachment. His attitude in this world will be that of divine happiness."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not heading out looking for ways to suffer. I am frustrated enough as it is by all of the ways that I hold myself back by remembering past unhappiness. But I will not pass by opportunities merely because they promise difficulty or challenge of whatever kind. I am terrified of how far away I am going to feel in China next year, and how long that year will be. I still define myself in large part by the people in my life and how they help me to see myself. I am blessed to have a number of deep friendships which have lasted a decade or more, and a number of newer ones I can only hope will last that long. I know that I and these friendships will survive the next year. I have a tightness in my stomach thinking about it because I'm not sure how, but I am sure that I will grow and that growth can only help me to deepen friendships.

In conclusion: I love you!