To People Living With- living with- living with- NOT Dying from Disease

I'm sure not what's caused this recent eruption in thoughts I want to share here but I think it portends good things about my mental health, so let's go with it.

The title is from the song "La Vie Boheme" in RENT. I can't say that I am a proponent of the 'bohemian' lifestyle, but I am very much a proponent of the fearlessness and freedom in this soundtrack. So, I guess, if the choice is between la vie boheme and condemning those who choose it, color me bohemian.

The oft-quoted "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" (or something like that?) comes to mind. We are all living with disease, and it has only been in reminding myself of this that I have recently started climbing further out of it. All of us have things that drag us down if we don't name and face them. We're much like the witches of fairy tales that way; "tell me your true name, and you are in my power." To addiction, fear, and self-loathing and I say: we are stronger than you.

The thought has often occurred to me that those of us with something to recover from- disease, addiction, war, divorce- are the lucky ones (that is, of course IF we get help. otherwise we are just spectacularly in the dark). I think that lives are measured more in direction than in places, and it is easier for us to see the low we are coming from and point ourselves up. If we started at Content, how would we see which way fulfillment lies? Really, though, I think the challenge is for people who think they are supposed to be content, and can't see why they aren't. There are so many shades of pain and struggle that go unnamed and untreated. Let me say this (to myself as much as anyone else): if you are unhappy there is a valid reason. You deserve help, and help is possible. Keep looking for it.

I think that sometimes addiction and disease are almost attractive because of that earlier thought, though. If you have a problem that obvious, it can (from the outside, at least) make it easier to see what would make your life better. And I have seen the depth of love and wisdom that many survivors have been able to reach through their circumstances. I am grateful for all of my struggles, as they've pushed me into the direction I'm going. At the same time, I don't really think it is pain that makes us beautiful. Perhaps pain is just one of the things that shows us our beauty most clearly.

I don't think there is any limit to joy that we humans can experience. I don't think there is anyone who cannot be happier, healthier, stronger. I think that is a blessing.

These thoughts started while I was sitting in Ecoffee (壹咖啡）reading for my East Asian Economies (东亚经济) class. I was reading the World Bank's report on the "East Asian Miracle" (yes, in Chinese. No, not understanding everything). In the last century, we have done a lot of naming. We have named inequalities and injustices, and I think many people get discouraged, frustrated, or even angry at the growing list. But I urge us all to see it as progress. The more problems we name, the more problems we can overcome.

This sentence resonated on this chord for me: “东亚经济增长最快的国家和地区，即日本和”四小虎“也是收入分配最公平的经济实体” It says that the countries and regions with the fastest economic development, Japan and the "Four Little Tigers" [Korea, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong] are also the countries with the most equal distributions of income.

Equality is not a goal for the sake of those currently at the bottom. It is for all of us. I do not demand sanity and happiness purely for my own sake; with them I will be best able to better the world. If women's status in the world becomes equal to men's, it will not just be women who are better off. All of humanity will benefit from their knowledge, wisdom, and perspective. At the same time, all of humanity would lose greatly if men's status was dragged below women's (this same holds true for the gaps between people of different races, classes, backgrounds, nationalities, etc).

You are not doing anyone any favors by accepting unhappiness. Seek help, seek enlightenment, demand help, offer love and friendship freely. Love life, accept nothing less than wonderful.

(Not much of a travel blog, is this?)

Wrapping up Jeju thoughts

I had grand plans of writing while I was on break in Korea. Of emptying all the cluttered thoughts out of my head onto paper (or my hard drive), organize them, and be able to start this semester focused and fresh.

The writing part didn’t happen, as you’ll notice by the slim blog post pickins, but I am feeling so much better for my time in Korea and so much more confident about my semester.

I spent a lot of time in Korea doing little to nothing, which seemed to confuse and perhaps frustrate Christian who felt it was his duty to show me the island and keep me entertained. I had a marvelous time lying around watching old Poirot episodes and reading.

We also did have PLENTY of adventures. During my last week I went to class with Christian and made some buddies, particularly in the third grade (It was one of the days when he’s on his own, with no Korean co-teacher to translate and help him, so I’m pretty impressed that he has had any kind of a first grade class. The kids have plenty of energy but don’t understand any instructions that can’t be mimed). At one point Christian was asking his class to sit down and they were too busy talking about their last activity and/or not really understanding, so I sat down at one of the student tables and two girls shrieked and ran across the classroom to sit next to me. It was very sweet, and pretty hilarious.

You don’t wear shoes in school in Korea (or homes). When we walked in Christian led me to a set of shelves with extra plastic slipper-sandals and gave me a pair before going to his cupboard and taking out his own personal pair. The sandals were the kind with lots of almost sharp plastic bumps on the bottom, which I suspect are good for reflexological or circulatory reasons, but made my feet feel awful weird and tingly by the end of the morning.

We ate (twice) at a restaurant that served pie-sized Herb Burgers, cut into eight pieces and requiring the help of at least two friends to consume.

We played a lot of games with friends, most notably Settlers of Catan and Warcraft III (I’m expecting my Huge Nerd badge to be upgraded to a Super Huge Nerd badge any day). We ate pancakes and broccoli (not at the same time) and I think I made up for all the cereal I had not eaten all semester in Nanjing.

Being on Jeju felt WAY more like home than my time in Nanjing has, and while I think Christian “Chuckles” Yetter (only super special people get obnoxious nicknames, dude, trust me) was definitely the main reason, it’s made me think about changing the way I structure my life in Nanjing. I’m going to try to read and maybe write every night, and spend more time just talking to people. Basically, I’m going to do less homework. Probably this is a good plan.

"There's so much more to get than wronged"

I have been trying to take a step back from the expectations I have of myself and see who I am and where I am and should be going.

I have been praying more. I have been trying to make my days expand into tapestries of things learned and seen and loved and not just the passage of the sun over my head. I have been trying to look around more.

I was almost overwhelmed in Nanjing. Not quite, I struggled through my classes well enough (I think. My civil law professor has still not told me if I passed or not) but had a hard time reaching out to the people around me. I'm hoping I can change this when I go back; that I can let people matter to me. Of course, half our time will be over, so everyone else's focus may not be on forming friendships, but I do the best I can.

I have been realizing that it might be okay for me to get used to things being alright. Not that I'm never going to have to face anything difficult again. I'm sure I will. I will be miles away from you when bad things happen. I won't be there to hug you or for you to hug me. I will be confused and in over my head and helpless. I will be human. But it will be okay. I will rely on the knowledge that I am not the most important thing in existence. I will call this knowledge "God" and scratch the surface. I will rely on the beautiful people I have in my life, all over the world.

The title is from "Earth to Bella, Part 2" by Incubus

If I turn into another// Dig me up from under what is covering// The better part of me

I am still working on being open and present, in my day to day relationships and in the deeper relationships with friends and family that may only surface in too-infrequent emails and phone calls and holidays, but offer a mirror of my progress and a reminder of who I am.

I am still working to put all the pieces of myself together. To see who I have been and who I am and who I want to be. I struggle sometimes with the self I see reflected in others. For instance, after my parents' divorce it was hard for me to interact with quite a few people who'd known me for a long time. They (you) saw the same person they had seen before, but all the pieces of me had come apart and I didn't know for a long time which ones to keep. I had defined myself by my family's life together, by our house and neighborhood, by the fact that I homeschooled, by the time I had for my friends, and I lost those things. It took a while for me to get my feet under me again, and even after I did old relationships were often a sharp reminder of how much had changed. This has been true of other transitions since then, though to a lesser extent. I change and want to move on, and don't always know how to interact with people I knew before.

I don't want that to stay true. I don't want to see my own struggles in your faces. I am learning to define myself as the intersection of all of your lives, as this beautiful point of opportunity to learn from you and share something of what I see. I am learning to look forward to the worlds of people and experiences I have ahead of me.

One of the clearest things I feel about my own identity is the necessity of travel. I didn't apply to ISU because I grew up in Ames, I grudgingly stayed in state for the tuition, and did not even consider staying in the US after I graduated. I don't have anything against the US, but it just felt wrong to be there last year and seriously added to the stress of my last year at UIowa. As much as I am struggling with my classes and my self this semester, I am definitely on the right continent.

In school news again, yesterday I wrote almost 1,000 characters of my civil law paper on the way that the Stubborn Nail House owners (钉子户） (who refuse to move when the government licenses their land for development) and their treatment in the media signal the recent developments in civil society in China. Woohooooo. I have done very little today.

Today's title brought to you by Dig by Incubus
Today's almost title #1 brought to you by 23 by Jimmy Eat World (I felt for sure last night// That when we said goodbye// No one else will know these lonely dreams)
Today's almost title #2 brought to you by Wasting Time by Jack Johnson (Nobody knows anything about themselves// 'Cause they're all worried about everybody else)

Countdown to Christian: 24 days (24, Christian Yetter! Fools round down!)

I'm not sure how I got so lucky

I will try to tell you about my last week. No, it’s too much, I will sum up :P

Okay, so last Wednesday began more or less normally. I walked around the city a bit in the morning running errands, went to International Politics and learned a lot (the unusual item in that class being the announcement of a test next week of which we internationals, at least, had been completely unaware). I spent my two-hour afternoon break online doing nothing in particular. I went to Anthropology and learned some, and had some trouble following my professor’s train of thought. Class ended, a classmate asked me if I was hungry, I told her I sure was, and we started towards the cafeteria.

Normal so far, yes? We switch to the present tense, the better to keep up with the events.

Halfway down the stairs from our classroom, I glance ahead to the lobby area, where I see Christian Yetter. But this is impossible, so I stop and stare. (I am told for about ten seconds. I am told with a rather hostile expression.) The apparation continues to smile at me and look exactly like Christian Yetter, so I continue walking down the stairs. Slowly. (I am told that the hostile expression accompanies me). This cannot actually be real. I have accepted that after the last time I saw Christian Yetter -at the end of July- I will not see him again until I fly to Korea in January. I begin to wonder if I am asleep. However, attempts to pull myself out of dreaming come to nothing, and I can clearly remember a whole normal day before this point. I keep walking. Zero seems to equal one no matter how I turn the facts around.

About halfway down the stairs the 服务员 at the desk enters my field of vision. She looks at me quizzically and points at Christian. She can see him too. I start to walk a little faster, I think. I end up in front of what I have almost accepted is, in fact, Christian Yetter. I repeat the word "How?" a number of times. My friend (I realized later) says she'll see me later.

Christian Yetter is a jerk.

(I was considering going a different direction in that last sentence, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with the "jerk" line.)

He accompanied me as I fumbled around in confusion back to my dorm room, then most of the way to the cafeteria, then off campus to a dumpling restaurant instead.

He flew back to Korea this afternoon. I am hopeful that he landed almost an hour ago. I got him on the way to the airport a couple of hours before his flight, but he hasn't been able to get online or had a cell phone he could use to call and tell me if he made it okay.

It was a good five days. You're a good'un, Christian Yetter.

"But everything looks perfect from far away..."

You all may notice that my posts here get more frequent in proportion to the number of other things I should be doing. I am trying to just let myself be productive in whatever way I can, however, so I've decided that's ok. My courses are honestly far less demanding (at least so far, you can ask me again when term papers are due) than most years at U of Iowa, so it will probably work out.

I am still stressing about my presentation on Monday, but I have more or less convinced myself that the stress + my worn-out state from the rest of today make it not worth working too hard tonight. I am instead trying to regain my emotional and intellectual strength for tomorrow. I am doing so by drinking tea, reading fiction, and journaling.

I helped out teaching 5-6 year old boys again this morning, probably for the last time. Getting up very early on a Saturday morning, on top of the discrepancy between my energy wavelength and that of kindergarteners, leaves me ill-equipped to be much use to them. I have found other venues for out-of-school productivity though, so don't be too unhappy for me.

I climbed a mountain today! I was an awfully small mountain- when we first got off the bus Xiaoxuan turned to me and said "山在哪里？" (where's the mountain?)- but I still give myself a lot of credit for climbing it.

Xiaoxuan told me the other day that she had been worried about living with an American, she wasn't sure what cultural problems might arise, but that her fears were misplaced because I am more like her than most people. She, and independently a number of other Chinese classmates both male and female, has told me that I am more like a Chinese student than an American. I am too 文静 (gentle), too 安静 (quiet, peaceful). This is perhaps in large part due to stereotyping, but also to the fact that Americans can be of ridiculous when they travel abroad. Perhaps especially in China, where the first impression people have of foreigners is: FOREIGN, and one quickly realizes that it will be impossible not to stand out.

One thought this repeated observation about myself has led to is that I must be a very odd (perhaps eerie?) presence a lot of the time. I try to let people know I approve of them. I don't sit in silence out of spite or frustration, though perhaps occasionally out of self-doubt. Mostly, I just find a lot to think about in the spaces between the lines on a highway, or the different ways houses seem to greet the world with the lines of their eaves and the sizes of their windows, or the sentences people choose to say when they don't want everyone to know what they are thinking. I am not sure I would not call this wisdom; I seldom reach meaningful conclusions. I just see a lot of interesting paths for my thoughts to travel and generally feel it's better to take them.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't really like to travel that much. I am not very good at transitions. They leave me feeling tilted and worn-out, and it can take a long time for me to recover. I think it took more than a month for me to be okay with Nanjing, and I think I probably won't really have anything solid to say about how I feel about this city until I leave in January and come back in February. But I think that the patchwork quilt of places spread across our planet is one of the greatest gifts we have as residents here. If one dimension of the universe can be described with math and physics, in describing the shapes of the lines that connect all its points, another can be described with biology and ecology, in all of the incredible diversity that those elegant essential truths can combine to create. Another more complex dimension is human, sometimes messier to sort out but all the more poignant for its layers. And all of these are woven in and around and through one another all over our beautiful planet so that whole worlds exist in any one place, and even beginning to draw a line between two of them is magic.

If I chose each day what I would most like to do, I would almost always end up sitting someplace sunny, drinking tea, reading, writing, twirling my hair absent-mindedly, rambling in mutter-y and introverted kind of way, and looking out of windows.

I cannot promise that after next summer I will have seen all the sights in Nanjing, or sought out all of the worthwhile people I could have. I am so grateful for my chance to just be here for a year and let the reality of the place sink in to my consciousness.

I need to stop compulsively buying bread-products

I decided I needed a break from my room and my books this afternoon and went to the store. I purchased some "High Fiber Wheat Bread" whose brand logo includes stars and stripes, so I am reassured that I am in their intended market. Their brand name, "Mankattan," is a little disheartening, but I'll take it.

Last week, I purchased some "Well Chosen Oatmeal" from Lubin. It has served me well.

I also found a produce store that sells my beloved Juse VERY cheap, and sells good quality fruit. So that's exciting.

I have been sick this week. It's kind of sad, but if you all will consider for a moment my track record of illness which generally includes one or two bouts of flu or something similar every year and keeps me out of school for at least half a week or so each semester, the fact that I have digestive problems, allergies, and am just generally a weenie, I think that you will appreciate my accomplishment in not getting sick in China for two whole MONTHS. These months including solo international flights, busy orientation schedules, solo cross-country train rides, and the stress of taking classes in Chinese.

Xiaoxuan has, of course, been very helpful in taking care of me. I have not been awfully sick. I missed one class Friday morning because I concluded I would not be able to focus enough to understand a Chinese lecture, and the sound me trying to breath with my raspy lungs and plugged-up nose might also impede my classmates' comprehension. Xiaoxuan has been instructing me on what I am and am not allowed to eat (my peanuts are too heavy and full of oil, so on my shelf they sit, and wait for me) and reminding me to drink lots of water. We went out to eat yesterday, and to the supermarket a couple of days ago, and she consulted me on the health benefits of different dishes I was considering. I have been calling her "Doctor Hao," (in English) which makes her and any of her friends who happen to be in the vicinity laugh every time. So, y'know, overall this illness hasn't been much of a downer.

I was talking to Shirin, a friend I met in Macau who's attending Nanjing Univerity, about how strange that kind of is. Usually when I am sick it is an emotional as well as physical affliction. I can't concentrate, I am exhausted, and I quickly become depressed with my inability to do anything. I've been very cheerful with my cold-symptoms and low-grade fever for the last few days, and they are both on their way out. I had some very strange fever-dreams Wednesday night. One of them which I wrote down is entitled "The Devil is a Stop Sign," if you're curious. Both my mother and Christian Yetter can attest that it is quite trippy.

Anyway.

I just bought my plane tickets to Korea over winter break. I'll land on Jeju-do at 1:40pm on January 10th! Woohoo!

I'm also plotting out my plans for Thanksgiving break. Since most of the country will not be off work (different from our two other week-long breaks) it's a prime time to travel. I think I am going to be heading to Shanghai for a couple of days to get my Korean visa and travel around, and then stay in a hostel in Suzhou for the rest of the time, and see how much time I can spend near Tai Lake, whose management challenges I am researching for my Environmental Economics term paper.

Since I've been sick, I did not meet with my Five Project family today, but I'll be heading to their house next week to hang out again.

I have my first presentation in a Chinese language class tomorrow. I'm talking about representations of the famine during the Great Leap Forward in the movie The Blue Kite, and in one of our class texts.

Okay, I think I've procrastinated my International Politics readings for about as long as I can justify. I'd like to leave you with another music video; Year of the Rat by Badly Drawn Boy. I think that the title is meant to signify a time of great opportunity, but it actually doesn't matter at all. Just watch the video (er, if you'd like).

It's harder for me to write about places when I'm living in them

It's difficult for me to pick out which parts of my day are important to my life and which simply happen.

There is a constant flow of traffic outside our dorm window. Beijing West Road (北京西路) is not the busiest street in Nanjing, but it’s busy enough. We’re not too far from downtown here. There is a 28 story building (if I counted right) across the street from us, though it, like many buildings including our dorm, has a terrace a couple of floors up to provide more space for growing things and being outside.

The streets are lined with trees. So much so that it’s hard to see what’s going on. As I told my brother yesterday, there is Something that drives by multiple times a day chiming the same four-tone tune over and over again, and it has become the Great White Whale of my dorm experience. It haunts my days and my dreams, and I cannot see the street clearly enough to be sure of what it is. Often, this sound is accompanied by a water-spraying, street-cleaning truck, but whether the sound and truck go together by design or coincidence is yet to be determined.

The Hopkins-Nanjing Center is centered around a courtyard. The cafeteria, some offices, fitness center, and dorm floors are wings of the west building, and administration, classrooms, and the large auditorium are in the east building. There is a goldfish (金鱼 ) pond in the courtyard, surrounded by benches and flanked by a couple of small lawns. My roommate, Xiaoxuan, and I have thus far not been able to find fish food in our supermarket, but I’ve located another market and will be trying again soon. The fish will, one day, know me as their friend.

I am taking four classes: three in Chinese and one in English. They changed a little from what I’d decided on when I first looked at the class list, and I’m very happy with what I’ve ended up with. I’m taking 当代国际政治 （Contemporary International Politics), 人类学与中国研究 （Anthropology and Chinese Studies), 中国民法 (Chinese Civil Law), and Environmental Economics (环境经济)。 I’ve been struggling through readings (I have yet to truly finish something) and at first hardly understood anything my professors were saying. Mostly, I have been making huge vocabulary lists from each of my Chinese readings, and these have been helping me to read a little more (it is already possible for me to sometime read a sentence or two of an academic essay without having to use a dictionary). My professors’ lectures have also been shifting from frighteningly mysterious, speech-like puzzles in which I was proud to pick out words, to something like cohesive presentations. I definitely cannot yet understand everything they say, and often struggle to keep up, but I have been able to at least follow the overall flow of ideas in all my classes this week. It is possible that I will pass my classes. This is a relief.

My classmates are awesome. We come from a pretty wide range of backgrounds, but everyone here is really dedicated, not just to language, but to building ties between China and the US (or wherever, not all the internationals are American) and finding constructive ways to working in/between countries.

One of our Chinese colleagues informed my roommate and I at the end of Orientation that we were 窄女， or women who stay inside, because neither of us like to party or spend much time in bars. I think we’re just good roommates. I should say, so that you don’t think that he was just very rude, that this same young man also told me that my future was bright and full of possibility. My interests are wide and varied, and the fact that I speak Chinese and have taken engineering classes (be they only four or five in number) impressed him greatly. I’ve since made it clear that I have a boyfriend already, and I think (hope) that I did so tactfully enough that we are still friends.

I have been meaning to take pictures of the cafeteria food. It’s very cheap, and made of very good quality ingredients. It is, however, still cafeteria food, and thus very boring to eat.

There are a lot of excellent little restaurants and food vendors very close to the Center. Two classmates (one from the southern US, the other from France) showed Xiaoxuan and I a cheap little dumpling （饺子）joint about five minutes from our front gate, and yesterday we ourselves discovered a little noodle/hotpot-ish place one more street away. I already have a favorite little bakery where I buy my red bean-filled mooncakes and other snacks.

Last weekend a couple of US classmates had birthdays, so they arranged to go out for KTV (or K歌， or Karaoke). It was the first time I’d gone, and it was a lot of fun. I can’t really sing any Chinese songs yet, but one of Xiaoxuan’s friends knew that I could sing “Hey Jude” because I’d joined in when she was singing it to herself once, so she had me sing that.

I had heard Beijing Welcomes You, which was made for the Olympics last year. If you haven’t seen/heard it yet, I recommend it.

My favorite song was: 我不是黄蓉。 I think y’all will be able to follow this link, but let me know if it doesn’t work (or: if you’re upset that it doesn’t work. Perhaps you are indifferent to my tastes in Chinese pop music. I shouldn’t assume).
Xiaoxuan and I are, of course, constantly teaching each other language. We are also having a long-term competition over whose language is better. So far, Chinese is winning for being able to express a lot of things much more simply than English. For example, NiXing 逆行 has to be translated into “walking against the current,” and what’s worse: the word Tang 烫 single-handedly describes “unbearably hot food or soup.” So if you think of any particularly elegant or useful English phrases that I could use in this battle, please send them along.

ALSO. I just met a dude in my Environmental Economics class who is interested in working in environmental policy/education/who knows. The point is: so am I. There is someone else here who is definitely not going into the business/finance world, and I am super stoked about it (stoked being a rather technical term for “excited.” Sorry if I left you behind on that one).

My favorite fruits are almost exactly Clementine oranges, except their peels are green and mottled instead of orange. They are called juse (橘色）and they are delicious.

Okay. That's what I have for Random Thoughts on My Life for today. Love from China! I hope you are all well and happy!

Every step of the way

I'm sitting right now some where in Hour 2 of my 10.5 hours in the Toronto airport. They told me it was no problem if I stayed here overnight, but most of the lights are currently out and there are a couple of people riding floor cleaners (that I'd like to call Zambonis, but are Zambonis just for smoothing ice rinks?) and just a handful of other travelers. One lovely Canadian is on her way to spend two weeks in Jamaica and she and I have agreed to sleep and watch each others' luggage in shifts. She is, right now, looking for vending machines or at least a drinking fountain.

Life is good, even through 11 hour layovers.

I also had a lovely (and relaxing!) weekend in Chicago. We spent a lot of time napping and reading, and buying groceries. It was perfect preparation for a couple days' worth of travel, and what with the huge layover and all, I don't really have to hurry at all to do much of anything. Getting from the Hong Kong airport to where I'm staying in Macau is probably going to be hairy (especially with all this luggage! Why do I have to own things?!), but I pretty successfully stayed cool through ridiculous traffic driving into Chicago, and I don't think it will really be any worse than that. I have to figure things out, but not be responsible for other peoples' lives. In fact, I won't be driving again until at least next summer. That's wierd, friends.

This morning I woke up feeling brand new- I jumped up

I don't like to think of myself as prejudiced. I have the good fortune to come from an educated, intelligent family which has always encouraged me to define myself independently of mainstream culture. I was homeschooled by an anthropologist, and thus was able to name the evil and folly of ethnocentrism before most of my cohorts. More than that, I was raised Baha'i, being taught that all of the different forms of culture and color and thought that humanity expresses are what makes us so beautiful; that beyond it being an atrocity to others to judge people's worth based on external things that don't matter, it would harm deeply me to keep myself from recognizing humanity's essential unity as one species.

All the same, I find that I am very rooted in White, Middle-class, American culture. I have been introduced to some hip-hop artists lately, and while the educated and more broad-minded part of me has not been surprised at all to be amazed by some of their music, the closed-minded white-privileged part of me is beckoning to the rest of white America to look at these expressions of Black culture in the inner cities: Guys, there's art here! And truth, and hope, and beauty.

I know I am behind a lot of people in this realization. I'm grateful that I am so rarely judged as harshly as I deserve to be for shortcomings like this.

The song I'm listening to today that inspired this post is Get By by Talib Kweli, from Brooklyn.

There is a whole lot of world out there to fall in love with, friends!

Ha, and here is a link to lyrics for Get By. I also love Dinosaur Comics, like this one.

Right here. Right now.

I've been reflecting on the incredible story that we have the privilege to be a part of right now. The last century saw changes on a scale that was unprecedented in human history, not least because the human population has doubled about three times in the last hundred years.

We are connected to each other, all around the globe, in ways that were simply unthinkable a century ago (I'm sure that someone better read than I am would be able to think of an example of a sci fi author who had, in fact, imagined the Internet before the end of the 19th century. I don't care. I haven't heard of them and most of the people in the 19th century hadn't either. So there). We can hear about things on the other side of the world as they happen, and since there is such an exchange of people and culture around the world, we even have a hope of understanding their significance.

A friend posted a link to this video on Facebook (Ah! That glorious social tool! That infernal thief of my time!) a while ago, and I'm still getting chills rewatching it.

Did You Know?

The piece of information I can't stop thinking about is: "It is estimated that a week's worth of the New York Times contains more information than a person was likely to come across in a lifetime in the 19th century"

Woah.

I am inspired, humbled, and sometimes almost paralyzed by what this means we should be capable of as humans. We have all of this technology, all of these incredible ideas and inventions and abilities at our fingertips- what should we do with them? What would we do with them if our only aim was to make peoples' lives more fulfilling? What are we doing with them now- or how much are we ignoring their potential? Are we capable of living up to the responsibility we are realizing we have to each other and to the planet? I think that we are, but I'll need to rattle that thought around in my brain for at least another week before I'll be able to articulate it, even poorly.

Gee golly, I like friends.

Stephanie reads my blog sometimes!

It's so cool all the ways that we have at our disposal to keep people in our lives. It's also, y'know, a little sad all of the opportunities we miss. But it means so much to me to know there are cool people in the world who care about me. I care about you too! LOVE!

Silhouettes and Shadows

I've kind of let myself be haunted lately, I think. I am constantly berating myself for the work I have not been doing, and thus exhausting myself before I even look at my 'to do' lists. I've been telling myself all the reasons why it's ok for me not to be accomplishing more, instead of just doing what I can and then giving myself a break. I am simultaneously telling myself how disappointed I am with my attitude this semester and making excuses for myself about why I shouldn't have to do any more than I am.

I need to just get over myself. I have the opportunity to learn at the U of Iowa for a few more weeks, and use the academic abilities I have been fostering in a few more projects. I will get something out of all of my classes and then I will be done. There is no reason to guilt myself for senioritis-quality work or give up. I have beautiful friends to support me, and little other than school to worry about right now (and I know how lucky that makes me!).

Also, I need to stop letting short-term worries keep me from doing things that are long-term valuable. A dear friend and counselor told me in the midst of late-semester stress a year or so ago that there will ALWAYS be a hundred urgent little things that need to be done today, and a few important things that make life worth living but don't have deadlines. Do the important ones. I need to turn in assignments -they serve a long-term purpose as well- but relationships with the people I love and serving humanity and making the world a better place should be part of every day I spend on this planet.

Writing these thoughts down really helps me take them more seriously, yo.

Music making the world a better place: K'naan

I've been having a great month as far as music discoveries go, and my favorite is probably K'naan. He's a Somali who's been living in Canada since 1991; he and his mother got out on the last plane. His music is rap/hiphop/rock, a different sound from a lot of the music I have, and I am really enjoying the change. His lyrics in a few songs, however, are absolutely incredible.

The first song I found of his is called Dreamer (linked to youtube). The line "We alive, man. It's ok to feel good" made me glow all afternoon the first time I heard it.

A heavier song is Soobax, which he sings to the warlords in Somalia.

My favorite is probably Take a Minute. It is so real and so powerful, and so incredibly sweet and forgiving.

T.I.A. stands for This Is Africa, and since two weeks in Egypt comprise my entire experience of that continent, I'm not qualified to tell you anything other than this is a badass song.

That's all! Happy listening, and Happy Spring!

How far we've come

A good conversation this afternoon ('this afternoon being a couple of weeks ago, by the time I'm actually posting this) has left me thinking about where I have come from, mentally, emotionally, and culturally, and where I am going.

The more I reflect on it, the more I feel I have been lucky in almost every way possible in my background. I have been loved, educated, challenged, and allowed my independence both from family and friends (while keeping meaningful relationships) and from American culture at large.

Being raised Baha'i and homeschooled (why does no writing software ever recognize any form of this as a word? Is it two?) forced me to make decisions about how I defined myself and who I wanted to be. I couldn't just take on standard values and identities, because they simply were not offered to me. Sure, I played dress up, played with Barbies, and watched cartoons, but always with guidance about gender roles being unnecessary, ridiculous body images being unhealthy, and the knowledge that if I watched one show I wouldn't be able to see any others as my daily TV allowance was only half an hour. I defined myself by my family, my friends, and what I experienced of the world through their stories and my eyes.

I have also been reflecting that my parents' divorce and the challenges we faced individually and as a family in the aftermath were vital for me to become who I am. I am sure there are less traumatic ways I could have become who I want to be, but I am not sure that I would have taken advantage of them. I was left with fears and insecurities I may have been able to avoid given a different life story. But if I had not been forced to take apart my identity and evaluate all the pieces one by one I think it is much more likely that I would still have those faults, and have lost only the ability to name them.

This leads me to a quote of 'Abdu'l-Baha's, that "the mind and spirit of man advance when he is tried by suffering. The more the ground is ploughed the better the seed will grow, the better the harvest will be. Just as the plough furrows the earth deeply, purifying it of weeds and thistles, so suffering and tribulation free man from the petty affairs of this worldly like until he arrives at a state of complete detachment. His attitude in this world will be that of divine happiness."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not heading out looking for ways to suffer. I am frustrated enough as it is by all of the ways that I hold myself back by remembering past unhappiness. But I will not pass by opportunities merely because they promise difficulty or challenge of whatever kind. I am terrified of how far away I am going to feel in China next year, and how long that year will be. I still define myself in large part by the people in my life and how they help me to see myself. I am blessed to have a number of deep friendships which have lasted a decade or more, and a number of newer ones I can only hope will last that long. I know that I and these friendships will survive the next year. I have a tightness in my stomach thinking about it because I'm not sure how, but I am sure that I will grow and that growth can only help me to deepen friendships.

In conclusion: I love you!

Darajun is also a pusher of good things

Having just seen Darajun's list of "Thankfulnesses," I now make my own:

1) Friends. I am so well supported.

2) Family. I am seriously so well supported.

3) Yoghurt.

4) Cats! Allergies be damned!

5) PUPPIES

6) Tea. And sugar. And soy creamer.

7) Airplanes, and the exploration they facilitate.

8) University. I love that learning is my job. Even if I sometimes burn out and get whiny.

9) Prayer, the means to connect to something greater than myself.

10) Books.

Yep; there's that!

People are lovely

Walking to my house from the bus stop about an hour ago, a father was carrying his daughter home behind me. She was concerned about all the cars and kept asking him, what if one of them hit her? What if a bus hit her?

He replied: "Ain't nobody gonna hit you, ain't nobody gonna hit you. That's why I'm here; don't you know that?"

It was one of the sweetest exchanges I've had the honor to overhear recently.

Egyptian reflections, part 2

So, my last couple of posts were kind of downers, eh? I spent a fair amount of time struggling in Egypt, but I have been spending a fair amount of time struggling with myself recently and Egypt is hardly to blame.

It is so incredible that I was able to spend two weeks in northern Africa this winter. The trip abroad was exactly what I needed to revitalize my outlook on life. It reminded me of how important it is to keep meeting new people, exploring new places, and letting myself grow. I was a bit disappointed that we spent so much of our time with the class, doing the tourism thing, and not discovering the Egypt that Egyptians experience. At the same time, we had a fantastic group. Despite horrid traffic and many uncomfortable hours spent traveling, illness and serious indigestion, unpredictable schedules and lost luggage, everyone was a joy to be around.

I am always amazed by how alive and awake I feel when traveling, despite the jetlag and unfamiliar schedules. It is incredible how meaningful the most everyday and normally tedious things become. I realized that because I have been feeling somewhat down, struggling for reasons that are perhaps understandable, I have been looking for justification for that feeling. Instead of finding ways to feel better about myself and the world. Which is not wise, I am aware. They're always there, though, aren't they? Reasons to be unhappy with myself or the world, the people around me or where I am. I often fool myself into believing that it is a sign of intelligence to see only bad in the world. We absolutely must recognize problems around us, yes, or nothing can every be done about them. But working to build an ever longer list of things that make me unhappy about the world isn't intelligence, just masochism.

I have to remember that recognizing injustice is worth something, and being willing to speak out about it something more. But my sights should be set on living an offered solution to the world's problems, even if sometimes all I can offer is a small joy in the face of hopelessness.