Possibly the biggest challenge I have been facing in myself is how exciting living in a different country isn't. I mean, yes, I am building awesome friendships with people who have quite different perspectives in life (in some ways, anyway). I am seeing new places, learning new languages.
But I still wake up every day and think about going to work (or other things I would rather be doing). I still get unnecessarily anxious about social situations. I still have to get out of the house and DO things, and it is still just as easy to sit at home on the computer and waste time.
And more than that, it can be lonely. It is harder to start new relationships, though I find the payoff of connection is generally much bigger when friends are coming from different cultures, it is much easier to step on each other's toes by not paying attention to "the things that actually matter" in a relationship-- since we may have quite different ideas about what those are. I don't want to go shopping some days because I don't want to deal with the fear in employee's eyes when they realize they might have to deal with me.
I don't mean to be complaining, really. I know I am very lucky to be here and am grateful for the experiences I am having and the ways there are making me grow. There are just always people now and then who tell me that they are impressed that I can live here, and (aside from just not being very good at taking compliments) I always want to shout "Don't be!" I am dealing with most of the same problems that I dealt with in my life in Iowa.
I continually realize that no matter what exciting scenery I find for myself, I will always be me. I am lucky, but if any of my family and friends still in America (or wherever their home country) moved to a new country, they would very quickly discover that I have done some things well, but that they could do a lot of things better.
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
how do we show each other who we are
I have always disliked labels. I owe this largely to having been raised and homeschooled by an anthropologist, as well as the Baha'i community.
I learned early that they are often a deception; they
whittle down complex identities to one or two words. Labels are generally
static in the minds of those defining them, while the identity of anyone being
defined is a dynamic thing, daily growing and being pruned. They are often
assigned or inherited, and can be a constant hindrance to a person’s being seen
by others or even understanding themselves.
One the other hand, they can be powerful and beautiful tools
when they are self-chosen and self-defined. A dear friend has recently begun
demanding that the people in her life let her define her Chinese-Americanness
for herself and be willing to learn (as we so desperately need to) about how
our behavior and attitudes might be racist without intending or often even
realizing it. You can find her
words on this here in her blog. She has been a strong inspiring force for me to
keep examining myself, and to see positive and negative aspects of my mind with
confidence to best become who I want to be.
Knowing these things has made my feelings towards labels
complicated. I am sometimes too wary of the judgments I will receive from others for identifying
myself with an idea or group, and sometimes wary of the problems that I might
be allowing myself to sweep under a rug and ignore by placing a label over the
areas of my identity involved.
I am lucky that in the Midwestern US the notable elements of
my identity are chosen, invisible, or both. I do not wear my minority religion
in my skin; I do not wear my parents’ divorce in my face. One cannot tell by
looking or even talking to me that I was homeschooled, however much of the
stigma against homeschooling they may buy into. I blend very easily into the white middle class majority. I cannot escape from being labeled female (my boobs have seen to that since seventh grade, and my love of dangly earrings rather reinforces it). I spent a lot of time in middle and high school experimenting with how 'female' I dressed and how people reacted to me. I hate how big of a difference there often is in how well people treat a feminine-ly dressed woman verses a more androgynous-ly dressed one, but I nevertheless am usually in the well-treated category.
The Baha’i Faith has often been central in my thoughts about
chosen and denied identities. When my parents separated and my family identity shifted radically, and I began public school and lost the present tense in my alternative-schooler identity, I took a big step away from my identity in the Baha'i community as well. Partially this was confusion; I didn't understand the change in my other identities and thus didn't understand how this one could stay the same. I could also feel a strong desire in myself for stability, for something that I could rest my identity on and stop thinking about it, and it frightened me to think about how much I would stop thinking about if I gave in to that desire.
I did not identify with religion at all during middle and high school. I investigated quite a few philosophies and religions and learned a lot about myself, largely through counselors and support groups. The removal of my primary identities gave me an excellent and rare opportunity to look underneath my labels and clean out my definitions of myself, and the help that I received allowed me to take advantage of it.
During my freshmen year of university I decided that I was far enough from my former identity as Baha'i to investigate it again. I started looking through the books I still had and eventually decided to try praying and see if it made a difference in my life if I didn't tell anyone else about it. I did and it did, and after a while I decided to call myself Baha'i. I think this was one of the best decisions of my life. I affirmed my ability to define myself and was able to grow all over my mind and spirit with the ideas and discipline of Baha'i teachings.
Lately, however, I have been realizing that my Baha'i identity has been becoming more negative than positive. This is partially because I have been far away from my home Baha'i communities and thus haven't had as much input available on how to keep myself moving in positive and intentional directions, religion-wise. And mostly because it has begun to get tied up with my insecurities and other mental and emotional shortcomings. I have been feeling this label pulling me away from other people, making it hard for me to understand them rather than respect them for who they are. I do not think that this is inevitable with religious identity, but I don't think I'm the only one who has these struggles. There is a Truth in the Baha'i writings that I experienced pulling me up to a place above labels, where I could see more clearly what people around me were offering and the burdens they were carrying and how beautiful they were. But more recently I have been feeling myself holding this label up as proof that I don't have to look (and simultaneously being frustrated for lack of beauty in my life), that obviously if I am Baha'i I am seeing what's important.
Because of this I have decided that I need to take off my Baha'i label for a while. I am looking at my other identities and trying to figure out what I should do with them. I don't know if I am taking off my religious label forever. I don't think so, but I think to be honest in the self-investigation I need right now I cannot make any promises.
I am so grateful for all of the sincere people in my life who constantly inspire me to look at myself and what I am giving to the world carefully, and for all the love in my life.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Hamdeok View: pictures from my new place!
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| The view out my window/over my balcony rail |
 |
| This and the next couple were taken along the sea wall right in front of my building |
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| Did I later eat these dried radishes at a local restaurant?! It's very likely, but let's move on. |
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| These last three were taken from the top of my building today when I got my laundry |
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Gratitude list
I've been focusing on problems (and fixing them, thankfully) in myself, my relationships, and in the rest of the world lately, and need to refocus on things that are good in my life. So, in no planned order, here are some things I am grateful for.
- my mother, my daily encourager and ever-ready cuss-outer of things that trouble me
- people who call me 'dude'
- chocolate in all of its (but especially milk-free) forms
- the ocean outside my window
- my students' sense of humor
- my electronic reader-- thank you dad!
- all the people who share music with me
- ondol heating. genius.
- for-the-rest-of-my-life friends/guardians of my identity
- languages, and the freedom to study them and understand my mind better
- books! everywhere, books!
- the peach juice in my fridge
- having made progress in my what-do-I-actually-want-to-do-with-my-life decision making this year
- being paid enough to live and pay my loans and save a little money for working 15 hours a week (I know, people, it's crazy)
- the fact that every korean student everywhere seems to know the word "crazy"
- boyfriend-man, and all that we have been learning recently
- indoor plumbing!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
It's the room the sun and the sky
Writing goal number three* for this year is the most informal. It's basically just to keep my pen on paper; not to let things I need to express pile up because I'm not sure how or when to say them. I've journaled to keep myself sane since I was about ten years old, I think. I have a paper journal for which this might often be more appropriate, but I'm going to try to just write down something about HOW my life is every week. This will also allow me to keep titling entries with song lyrics that probably only relate to the post's content in my head. Win all around, really.
To begin with, here's a bit about what it feels like to teach afterschool English at Hado Elementary School on Jeju Island:
The fifth and sixth grades are often the easiest to relate to, but also the classes where power struggles are most likely. I'm hoping this will continue getting better as I figure out what games they like and they feel they can trust me to have a point to what I want them to do ("point" here probably also being a game). Sixth grade was excited about the game "four corners" for about two solid weeks. I haven't played it in a little while because I want it to still be exciting. The only thing I've gotten the fifth grade excited about so far is telling scary stories. Which was awesome-- I said "What is a scary story?" and they immediately listed about twenty possible characters, starting with Dracula and kumiho. I've been using them to teach the past tense, and am hoping I can find some more things they'll be interested in so they don't get tired of them. They are the class that chose names like "Valkyrie," "Black Hole," and "Dark Knight," for which I can do nothing but congratulate them, but they are clearly too cool for school most of the time. There's hope for a future full of English practice involving video game characters and tales of violent death, but there will be rocks along the way.
Fourth grade is my smallest class and third grade is my largest (with 5 and 11 students, respectively. All my classes are beautifully small). Fourth grade has been the easiest so far-- they've been happy with the activities I've planned for them-- they've been feeling the power of being able to spell things by sounding them out phonetically, I think, and really like playing Uno even if they have to describe their cards in English to play each turn. The range of language level in my third grade class is challenging. There is one girl who has complained a number of times to my co-teacher that she ALWAYS raises her hand and ALWAYS knows the answer and I NEVER call on her. I do call on her, sometimes, but I know that she really does always know the answer very fast, and a few of her classmates generally need the question repeated and/or re-explained.
First and second grade have the most trouble finding value in sitting in a chair for forty minutes at a time, but they might still be my favorites. They are all young enough to just "know" that all adults understand everything they are saying all the time, so they speak to me in Korean all the time. I have them kind of fooled so far, by luck. I always have a Korean co-teacher in class who fields their relevant questions, and thus far the only questions they've asked me outside of class concern where I'm going-- one of the ten or so things I understand. Thus far they still believe that I respond in English to challenge them and make them keep practicing, and not because I only speak about twenty words of Korean.
Only a couple of the other teachers in my school have had real conversations with me. Most don't speak English well enough (or aren't confident, at least). But a couple of teachers who don't really speak English have brought me coffee a couple of friday afternoons while I lesson plan in the library, so overall it's nice to be there.
*er, goals one and two start next week. They're more scheduled. You'll be seeing them. Transmission ended.
Title is from "Lazy Eye" by the Silversun Pickups
To begin with, here's a bit about what it feels like to teach afterschool English at Hado Elementary School on Jeju Island:
The fifth and sixth grades are often the easiest to relate to, but also the classes where power struggles are most likely. I'm hoping this will continue getting better as I figure out what games they like and they feel they can trust me to have a point to what I want them to do ("point" here probably also being a game). Sixth grade was excited about the game "four corners" for about two solid weeks. I haven't played it in a little while because I want it to still be exciting. The only thing I've gotten the fifth grade excited about so far is telling scary stories. Which was awesome-- I said "What is a scary story?" and they immediately listed about twenty possible characters, starting with Dracula and kumiho. I've been using them to teach the past tense, and am hoping I can find some more things they'll be interested in so they don't get tired of them. They are the class that chose names like "Valkyrie," "Black Hole," and "Dark Knight," for which I can do nothing but congratulate them, but they are clearly too cool for school most of the time. There's hope for a future full of English practice involving video game characters and tales of violent death, but there will be rocks along the way.
Fourth grade is my smallest class and third grade is my largest (with 5 and 11 students, respectively. All my classes are beautifully small). Fourth grade has been the easiest so far-- they've been happy with the activities I've planned for them-- they've been feeling the power of being able to spell things by sounding them out phonetically, I think, and really like playing Uno even if they have to describe their cards in English to play each turn. The range of language level in my third grade class is challenging. There is one girl who has complained a number of times to my co-teacher that she ALWAYS raises her hand and ALWAYS knows the answer and I NEVER call on her. I do call on her, sometimes, but I know that she really does always know the answer very fast, and a few of her classmates generally need the question repeated and/or re-explained.
First and second grade have the most trouble finding value in sitting in a chair for forty minutes at a time, but they might still be my favorites. They are all young enough to just "know" that all adults understand everything they are saying all the time, so they speak to me in Korean all the time. I have them kind of fooled so far, by luck. I always have a Korean co-teacher in class who fields their relevant questions, and thus far the only questions they've asked me outside of class concern where I'm going-- one of the ten or so things I understand. Thus far they still believe that I respond in English to challenge them and make them keep practicing, and not because I only speak about twenty words of Korean.
Only a couple of the other teachers in my school have had real conversations with me. Most don't speak English well enough (or aren't confident, at least). But a couple of teachers who don't really speak English have brought me coffee a couple of friday afternoons while I lesson plan in the library, so overall it's nice to be there.
*er, goals one and two start next week. They're more scheduled. You'll be seeing them. Transmission ended.
Title is from "Lazy Eye" by the Silversun Pickups
Saturday, June 19, 2010
1am, and I am in transit again
Not a complaint, though the thought of finding a place to live in for more than a year at a time makes me ache a bit. I'm getting pretty good at packing, getting pretty good at not being attached to belongings and being ready to let things go, and I love always having new things to discover and new people to meet. But I would love to make some friends and know they will be around, that I will be around. That we might celebrate each others' birthdays more than once together.
That's a pretty angsty thought, given that before this year I lived in Iowa City for five years, and that before that I had lived my whole life in Iowa. But living around college students is a constant transition of relationships. Everyone is still deciding who they are and where they are going, and holding on to any one person too tight risks losing yourself.
We had our HNC commencement ceremony this afternoon. It was really nice. I have been so caught up in disappointment in myself, frustrated that I have been struggling so much with my own things (I am full of FEELINGS and sometimes it's a problem) and not taking full advantage of where I am that I have often lost sight of what a unique program I am in this year. I received (in an unashamedly fusia cover) a joint certificate in Chinese Studies from Johns Hopkins University and Nanjing University. Stephen Roach, the Chairman of Morgan Stanley Asia and Zhang Yibin, Nanjing U's liberal arts vice president, were our commencement speakers. My classmates are truly warmhearted and have a lot of vision and commitment. I know that I personally really need a break to figure out how I want to use this experience, as well as my undergrad degrees, but this has been an incredible place to be. I am qualified to call myself a China expert, of sorts anyway.
I am looking forward to traveling and being around people I love in the next month and a half, and very much looking forward to the reflection and clarity of mind that both of those things bring me. Next year is going to be a more personally focused one. I am hoping to write a lot (knock on wood; if I set myself up with expectations now I'll drown in them by august) and clear my mind out a bit. Hopefully one of my next entries will begin to outline possible writing for the next year. I'm looking forward to it.
Love!
That's a pretty angsty thought, given that before this year I lived in Iowa City for five years, and that before that I had lived my whole life in Iowa. But living around college students is a constant transition of relationships. Everyone is still deciding who they are and where they are going, and holding on to any one person too tight risks losing yourself.
We had our HNC commencement ceremony this afternoon. It was really nice. I have been so caught up in disappointment in myself, frustrated that I have been struggling so much with my own things (I am full of FEELINGS and sometimes it's a problem) and not taking full advantage of where I am that I have often lost sight of what a unique program I am in this year. I received (in an unashamedly fusia cover) a joint certificate in Chinese Studies from Johns Hopkins University and Nanjing University. Stephen Roach, the Chairman of Morgan Stanley Asia and Zhang Yibin, Nanjing U's liberal arts vice president, were our commencement speakers. My classmates are truly warmhearted and have a lot of vision and commitment. I know that I personally really need a break to figure out how I want to use this experience, as well as my undergrad degrees, but this has been an incredible place to be. I am qualified to call myself a China expert, of sorts anyway.
I am looking forward to traveling and being around people I love in the next month and a half, and very much looking forward to the reflection and clarity of mind that both of those things bring me. Next year is going to be a more personally focused one. I am hoping to write a lot (knock on wood; if I set myself up with expectations now I'll drown in them by august) and clear my mind out a bit. Hopefully one of my next entries will begin to outline possible writing for the next year. I'm looking forward to it.
Love!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Not sure why this blog post gets so many dang views
Previously titled: 罗亚死了，罗亚死了
April has been a good month in a lot of ways.
First, a friend of a friend visited Nanjing, and in helping to show her the city I finally saw a bit of the city myself. We went to Purple Mountain:
(this buddha statue was created as a tourist attraction in the late 90's, and we saw some other folks sitting on his lap, so we decided we wouldn't be disrespecting him or anyone else by following suit)
And visited a temple and a Ming Dynasty city wall that are both within 30 minutes walking distance from my Center. Who knew?
I have ALSO been buying myself some books. These include: an anthology of Chinese fantasy writing from 2008, "Swordbird" (a book written by an 11 year old Chinese girl who lives in the US in both Chinese and English. Think Redwall series, except birds. Holding swords), a Chinese dictionary (not Chinese-English. Just Chinese), and a copy of China's National Geographic (or 黄夏地理). Xiaoxuan just helped me order a science fiction anthology and a selection of Lu Xun's writings (linked to Wikipedia). He was a very influential thinker in the decades after the Nationalist revolution in 1911. Many Chinese have to read bits of his writing in high school, and the woman that I have been helping to practice English highly recommended reading his complete stories (as in full texts, not necessarily everything he's written).
I am feeling good about my life plan. This is good. I have been feeling foolishly insecure all year about one thing or another. The plan a little farther out: I am moving to Korea next year, then I think back to China to work for a year and reapplying to grad schools for fall 2012. Then I'm hoping somewhere will let me teach and take students abroad, and maybe I'll work on a PhD.
I've realized I need to actually post about China more, and not keep this blog so self-centered. Now that I feel like I've got myself figured out a little more (haha, ask tomorrow) that is my plan. If you've got questions to guide my writing, I'd love to hear 'em!
Title is from one of the fantasy stories I'm reading, yo. "Luoya is dead, Luoya is dead"
April has been a good month in a lot of ways.
First, a friend of a friend visited Nanjing, and in helping to show her the city I finally saw a bit of the city myself. We went to Purple Mountain:
(this buddha statue was created as a tourist attraction in the late 90's, and we saw some other folks sitting on his lap, so we decided we wouldn't be disrespecting him or anyone else by following suit)
And visited a temple and a Ming Dynasty city wall that are both within 30 minutes walking distance from my Center. Who knew?
Pagoda in the temple:
View of the lake and Ming wall from the top of the pagoda:
I have ALSO been buying myself some books. These include: an anthology of Chinese fantasy writing from 2008, "Swordbird" (a book written by an 11 year old Chinese girl who lives in the US in both Chinese and English. Think Redwall series, except birds. Holding swords), a Chinese dictionary (not Chinese-English. Just Chinese), and a copy of China's National Geographic (or 黄夏地理). Xiaoxuan just helped me order a science fiction anthology and a selection of Lu Xun's writings (linked to Wikipedia). He was a very influential thinker in the decades after the Nationalist revolution in 1911. Many Chinese have to read bits of his writing in high school, and the woman that I have been helping to practice English highly recommended reading his complete stories (as in full texts, not necessarily everything he's written).
I am feeling good about my life plan. This is good. I have been feeling foolishly insecure all year about one thing or another. The plan a little farther out: I am moving to Korea next year, then I think back to China to work for a year and reapplying to grad schools for fall 2012. Then I'm hoping somewhere will let me teach and take students abroad, and maybe I'll work on a PhD.
I've realized I need to actually post about China more, and not keep this blog so self-centered. Now that I feel like I've got myself figured out a little more (haha, ask tomorrow) that is my plan. If you've got questions to guide my writing, I'd love to hear 'em!
Title is from one of the fantasy stories I'm reading, yo. "Luoya is dead, Luoya is dead"
Saturday, April 3, 2010
To People Living With- living with- living with- NOT Dying from Disease
I'm sure not what's caused this recent eruption in thoughts I want to share here but I think it portends good things about my mental health, so let's go with it.
The title is from the song "La Vie Boheme" in RENT. I can't say that I am a proponent of the 'bohemian' lifestyle, but I am very much a proponent of the fearlessness and freedom in this soundtrack. So, I guess, if the choice is between la vie boheme and condemning those who choose it, color me bohemian.
The oft-quoted "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" (or something like that?) comes to mind. We are all living with disease, and it has only been in reminding myself of this that I have recently started climbing further out of it. All of us have things that drag us down if we don't name and face them. We're much like the witches of fairy tales that way; "tell me your true name, and you are in my power." To addiction, fear, and self-loathing and I say: we are stronger than you.
The thought has often occurred to me that those of us with something to recover from- disease, addiction, war, divorce- are the lucky ones (that is, of course IF we get help. otherwise we are just spectacularly in the dark). I think that lives are measured more in direction than in places, and it is easier for us to see the low we are coming from and point ourselves up. If we started at Content, how would we see which way fulfillment lies? Really, though, I think the challenge is for people who think they are supposed to be content, and can't see why they aren't. There are so many shades of pain and struggle that go unnamed and untreated. Let me say this (to myself as much as anyone else): if you are unhappy there is a valid reason. You deserve help, and help is possible. Keep looking for it.
I think that sometimes addiction and disease are almost attractive because of that earlier thought, though. If you have a problem that obvious, it can (from the outside, at least) make it easier to see what would make your life better. And I have seen the depth of love and wisdom that many survivors have been able to reach through their circumstances. I am grateful for all of my struggles, as they've pushed me into the direction I'm going. At the same time, I don't really think it is pain that makes us beautiful. Perhaps pain is just one of the things that shows us our beauty most clearly.
I don't think there is any limit to joy that we humans can experience. I don't think there is anyone who cannot be happier, healthier, stronger. I think that is a blessing.
These thoughts started while I was sitting in Ecoffee (壹咖啡）reading for my East Asian Economies (东亚经济) class. I was reading the World Bank's report on the "East Asian Miracle" (yes, in Chinese. No, not understanding everything). In the last century, we have done a lot of naming. We have named inequalities and injustices, and I think many people get discouraged, frustrated, or even angry at the growing list. But I urge us all to see it as progress. The more problems we name, the more problems we can overcome.
This sentence resonated on this chord for me: “东亚经济增长最快的国家和地区，即日本和”四小虎“也是收入分配最公平的经济实体” It says that the countries and regions with the fastest economic development, Japan and the "Four Little Tigers" [Korea, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong] are also the countries with the most equal distributions of income.
Equality is not a goal for the sake of those currently at the bottom. It is for all of us. I do not demand sanity and happiness purely for my own sake; with them I will be best able to better the world. If women's status in the world becomes equal to men's, it will not just be women who are better off. All of humanity will benefit from their knowledge, wisdom, and perspective. At the same time, all of humanity would lose greatly if men's status was dragged below women's (this same holds true for the gaps between people of different races, classes, backgrounds, nationalities, etc).
You are not doing anyone any favors by accepting unhappiness. Seek help, seek enlightenment, demand help, offer love and friendship freely. Love life, accept nothing less than wonderful.
(Not much of a travel blog, is this?)
The title is from the song "La Vie Boheme" in RENT. I can't say that I am a proponent of the 'bohemian' lifestyle, but I am very much a proponent of the fearlessness and freedom in this soundtrack. So, I guess, if the choice is between la vie boheme and condemning those who choose it, color me bohemian.
The oft-quoted "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" (or something like that?) comes to mind. We are all living with disease, and it has only been in reminding myself of this that I have recently started climbing further out of it. All of us have things that drag us down if we don't name and face them. We're much like the witches of fairy tales that way; "tell me your true name, and you are in my power." To addiction, fear, and self-loathing and I say: we are stronger than you.
The thought has often occurred to me that those of us with something to recover from- disease, addiction, war, divorce- are the lucky ones (that is, of course IF we get help. otherwise we are just spectacularly in the dark). I think that lives are measured more in direction than in places, and it is easier for us to see the low we are coming from and point ourselves up. If we started at Content, how would we see which way fulfillment lies? Really, though, I think the challenge is for people who think they are supposed to be content, and can't see why they aren't. There are so many shades of pain and struggle that go unnamed and untreated. Let me say this (to myself as much as anyone else): if you are unhappy there is a valid reason. You deserve help, and help is possible. Keep looking for it.
I think that sometimes addiction and disease are almost attractive because of that earlier thought, though. If you have a problem that obvious, it can (from the outside, at least) make it easier to see what would make your life better. And I have seen the depth of love and wisdom that many survivors have been able to reach through their circumstances. I am grateful for all of my struggles, as they've pushed me into the direction I'm going. At the same time, I don't really think it is pain that makes us beautiful. Perhaps pain is just one of the things that shows us our beauty most clearly.
I don't think there is any limit to joy that we humans can experience. I don't think there is anyone who cannot be happier, healthier, stronger. I think that is a blessing.
These thoughts started while I was sitting in Ecoffee (壹咖啡）reading for my East Asian Economies (东亚经济) class. I was reading the World Bank's report on the "East Asian Miracle" (yes, in Chinese. No, not understanding everything). In the last century, we have done a lot of naming. We have named inequalities and injustices, and I think many people get discouraged, frustrated, or even angry at the growing list. But I urge us all to see it as progress. The more problems we name, the more problems we can overcome.
This sentence resonated on this chord for me: “东亚经济增长最快的国家和地区，即日本和”四小虎“也是收入分配最公平的经济实体” It says that the countries and regions with the fastest economic development, Japan and the "Four Little Tigers" [Korea, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong] are also the countries with the most equal distributions of income.
Equality is not a goal for the sake of those currently at the bottom. It is for all of us. I do not demand sanity and happiness purely for my own sake; with them I will be best able to better the world. If women's status in the world becomes equal to men's, it will not just be women who are better off. All of humanity will benefit from their knowledge, wisdom, and perspective. At the same time, all of humanity would lose greatly if men's status was dragged below women's (this same holds true for the gaps between people of different races, classes, backgrounds, nationalities, etc).
You are not doing anyone any favors by accepting unhappiness. Seek help, seek enlightenment, demand help, offer love and friendship freely. Love life, accept nothing less than wonderful.
(Not much of a travel blog, is this?)
Friday, March 5, 2010
Plan B! Plan B!
Well, Christian and I are waiting on responses from two or three schools, but we've each been rejected from enough programs that we will definitely not be able to attend school in the same place next year. And, aside from that, I pretty definitely need to spend a year away from school and use my brain in a different way for a while, so on the slim chance that one of the schools I have yet to hear from accepts me, I'm going to defer.
Which means, dear ones, that I am figuring out where I WILL be next year, and it almost certainly will not be in the US. I have found a couple of things I would like to apply for here in China, and the Hopkins-Nanjing Center has a resume book which is circulated around many firms in China. If nothing comes of these, I am also applying to both of the programs which place native English speakers teaching English in Korean public schools- which will hopefully land me on Jeju Island with Christian. I feel like I should stay in China to keep using my Chinese and build experience here, so I am going to give jobs here (especially two of them that I know of) my full application effort. But I also feel that I need to do something, sometime soon, where I don't feel like I'm running at full speed all the time, and that it would make my life about 100% better to be in the same country, even, as Christian.
So, we'll see what happens! I am hoping I will be back in Iowa for a few weeks this summer. If I know I will be gainfully employed next year, I definitely have funds for it.
The plan is still almost definitely grad school in Geography whenever I actually get in to a program. I have questions I want to ask in a research setting, and I am pretty sure I want to teach eventually. I have dreams of leading study abroad trips.
Wish me luck!
Which means, dear ones, that I am figuring out where I WILL be next year, and it almost certainly will not be in the US. I have found a couple of things I would like to apply for here in China, and the Hopkins-Nanjing Center has a resume book which is circulated around many firms in China. If nothing comes of these, I am also applying to both of the programs which place native English speakers teaching English in Korean public schools- which will hopefully land me on Jeju Island with Christian. I feel like I should stay in China to keep using my Chinese and build experience here, so I am going to give jobs here (especially two of them that I know of) my full application effort. But I also feel that I need to do something, sometime soon, where I don't feel like I'm running at full speed all the time, and that it would make my life about 100% better to be in the same country, even, as Christian.
So, we'll see what happens! I am hoping I will be back in Iowa for a few weeks this summer. If I know I will be gainfully employed next year, I definitely have funds for it.
The plan is still almost definitely grad school in Geography whenever I actually get in to a program. I have questions I want to ask in a research setting, and I am pretty sure I want to teach eventually. I have dreams of leading study abroad trips.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Back in Nanjing!
It feels like home here, which is stranger than I've been able to put into words.
Coming back was another adventure, of course. Christian taxi'd with me to the airport around 7:30 in the morning on Saturday and we had breakfast in the airport before I went through security for my 9:05 flight. I flew up to Seoul, took a 10 minute shuttle bus loop from the domestic airport to the international one, re-checked my duffel bag and flew to Shanghai (the first flight was only an hour long, the second was two hours. Both uneventful).
China makes itself known pretty quick. I stood in line for about half an hour after getting off the plane to go through customs and then picked up my bag and walked out the airport doors to find myself, along with two or three hundred other people, standing in line for a taxi. the line swept along the curve of the airport building, narrowing by means of a canvas rope from being sidewalk-wide, to a three people across, to two, and down to single file before winding back and forth in a metal queue six or seven times. The wait was only about half an hour, despite what the taxi driver who accosted me as soon as I came out of the building looking foreign assured me would happen. "You want taxi? Come with me. Here you wait two hours." "NO." I didn't even ask him how much he would have charged to take me to the train station, but probable 200 or so yuan. The drive on a meter cost me 53 yuan (just under 8 dollars), and my driver refused even to keep the change from the 55 I gave him.
The taxis were lined up eight in a row. One wave would drive up and the worker standing at the front of the queue directed whoever was next to the first one to stop, and so on until they were all taken. As soon as a taxi drove away another would zoom up to take its place, the driver hopping out to expediate luggage moving if necessary. My driver took me on an expressway through downtown Shanghai and it was wonderful to be moving so fast so close to the ground and see the buildings. The sky was clear and it was sunny and warm. My hair was messed up from leaning on my seat on two planes and blowing in the wind from the taxi's open window by the time I got to the train station, but sometimes I like to give people something to stare at me for other than my skin color.
I got a train bound for Nanjing with less than an hour to wait at the station. There were three or four stops on the way and Nanjing was the end of the line, and miraculously no one got joined our car after we left Shanghai, so the car emptied bit by bit until I was left with a table and five foot window to myself watching the sun set over Chinese cities and hills and fields and factories. It was beautiful.
I took the subway from the train station to the Gulou stop, just a ten minute walk from campus. My duffel bag was feeling pretty heavy by the end (I wouldn't have this probably if I didn't travel with more books than clothes) but I made it back cheerfully and found the German bakery down the street was open and gratefully ate a sandwich.
I am currently trying to decide which classes to take. I think it's going to be Religion Systems in China, Environmental Law, and East Asian Economies, but Chinese Interpersonal Relationships and International Political Economics were both pretty interesting today.
Love from China!
Coming back was another adventure, of course. Christian taxi'd with me to the airport around 7:30 in the morning on Saturday and we had breakfast in the airport before I went through security for my 9:05 flight. I flew up to Seoul, took a 10 minute shuttle bus loop from the domestic airport to the international one, re-checked my duffel bag and flew to Shanghai (the first flight was only an hour long, the second was two hours. Both uneventful).
China makes itself known pretty quick. I stood in line for about half an hour after getting off the plane to go through customs and then picked up my bag and walked out the airport doors to find myself, along with two or three hundred other people, standing in line for a taxi. the line swept along the curve of the airport building, narrowing by means of a canvas rope from being sidewalk-wide, to a three people across, to two, and down to single file before winding back and forth in a metal queue six or seven times. The wait was only about half an hour, despite what the taxi driver who accosted me as soon as I came out of the building looking foreign assured me would happen. "You want taxi? Come with me. Here you wait two hours." "NO." I didn't even ask him how much he would have charged to take me to the train station, but probable 200 or so yuan. The drive on a meter cost me 53 yuan (just under 8 dollars), and my driver refused even to keep the change from the 55 I gave him.
The taxis were lined up eight in a row. One wave would drive up and the worker standing at the front of the queue directed whoever was next to the first one to stop, and so on until they were all taken. As soon as a taxi drove away another would zoom up to take its place, the driver hopping out to expediate luggage moving if necessary. My driver took me on an expressway through downtown Shanghai and it was wonderful to be moving so fast so close to the ground and see the buildings. The sky was clear and it was sunny and warm. My hair was messed up from leaning on my seat on two planes and blowing in the wind from the taxi's open window by the time I got to the train station, but sometimes I like to give people something to stare at me for other than my skin color.
I got a train bound for Nanjing with less than an hour to wait at the station. There were three or four stops on the way and Nanjing was the end of the line, and miraculously no one got joined our car after we left Shanghai, so the car emptied bit by bit until I was left with a table and five foot window to myself watching the sun set over Chinese cities and hills and fields and factories. It was beautiful.
I took the subway from the train station to the Gulou stop, just a ten minute walk from campus. My duffel bag was feeling pretty heavy by the end (I wouldn't have this probably if I didn't travel with more books than clothes) but I made it back cheerfully and found the German bakery down the street was open and gratefully ate a sandwich.
I am currently trying to decide which classes to take. I think it's going to be Religion Systems in China, Environmental Law, and East Asian Economies, but Chinese Interpersonal Relationships and International Political Economics were both pretty interesting today.
Love from China!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The wisdom's in the trees// Not the glass windows
I have been stressing a bit recently. I have not been having a bad time. I have already, in fact, celebrated my birthday twice. Shirin's birthday was on Monday, so on Saturday she and Rong Fan and Xiaoxuan and I ate hotpot. Hotpot is, I think, from Mongolia, and involves a pot of boiling water (kept boiling by a burner in the table) in the center of the table and ordering whatever ingredients you want to eat. I really like mutton and tofu "skin" (羊肉 and 豆腐皮). Shirin and I then got hour-long oil massages for about $10. On Monday Shirin invited me and two other friends to her place and we made curry and drank tea.
Today I am bringing chocolates to my first class, since today may be the only time in my life that I have class on my birthday and I have never had the opportunity to be the kid who brought birthday treats before. I have been waiting long, but I won in the end.
Then I'm going back to the bookstore where Xiaoxuan and Xiaochun took me and gonna buy myself an idiom (成语) dictionary, and perhaps something else. Got sweet mugs there. We'll see.
The weather here is quite nice. It is a sunny 50 degrees for my birthday today. I miss snow, but I'm hopeful we'll get a bit sometime in the next few months. We are very lucky to have central heat in our buildings, which was not permitted when most of the buildings in Nanjing were built, so many people are very cold in the winter.
Anyway, to stop the stressing, today is going to be a day for praying and meditating and eating chocolate and not worrying about school. Hopefully this will help me to be clear and focused enough tomorrow to make real progress on papers again. It will definitely make me happier about whatever I do.
I love you!
Today's title brought to you by Breakdown by Jack Johnson
Today I am bringing chocolates to my first class, since today may be the only time in my life that I have class on my birthday and I have never had the opportunity to be the kid who brought birthday treats before. I have been waiting long, but I won in the end.
Then I'm going back to the bookstore where Xiaoxuan and Xiaochun took me and gonna buy myself an idiom (成语) dictionary, and perhaps something else. Got sweet mugs there. We'll see.
The weather here is quite nice. It is a sunny 50 degrees for my birthday today. I miss snow, but I'm hopeful we'll get a bit sometime in the next few months. We are very lucky to have central heat in our buildings, which was not permitted when most of the buildings in Nanjing were built, so many people are very cold in the winter.
Anyway, to stop the stressing, today is going to be a day for praying and meditating and eating chocolate and not worrying about school. Hopefully this will help me to be clear and focused enough tomorrow to make real progress on papers again. It will definitely make me happier about whatever I do.
I love you!
Today's title brought to you by Breakdown by Jack Johnson
Friday, December 4, 2009
It's, like, open source microfinancing!
Guys guys guys guys!
I just discovered this awesome awesome site called Kiva.org, that works with micro-finance organizations around the world. You can sign up and make a small ($25 minimum) loan to an entrepreneur. Many of them are in developing countries. You get your money back (98% of the time, in the site's history) and you help someone to work their way out of poverty. Sweet deal.
I'm gonna test it out with one small loan and see how it goes. I will report back.
also: working on Minnesota's application. Then I need to write a paper in Chinese on the equality of women and men in Chinese society, and work on one in English about Tai Lake.
I just discovered this awesome awesome site called Kiva.org, that works with micro-finance organizations around the world. You can sign up and make a small ($25 minimum) loan to an entrepreneur. Many of them are in developing countries. You get your money back (98% of the time, in the site's history) and you help someone to work their way out of poverty. Sweet deal.
I'm gonna test it out with one small loan and see how it goes. I will report back.
also: working on Minnesota's application. Then I need to write a paper in Chinese on the equality of women and men in Chinese society, and work on one in English about Tai Lake.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I'm not sure how I got so lucky
I will try to tell you about my last week. No, it’s too much, I will sum up :P
Okay, so last Wednesday began more or less normally. I walked around the city a bit in the morning running errands, went to International Politics and learned a lot (the unusual item in that class being the announcement of a test next week of which we internationals, at least, had been completely unaware). I spent my two-hour afternoon break online doing nothing in particular. I went to Anthropology and learned some, and had some trouble following my professor’s train of thought. Class ended, a classmate asked me if I was hungry, I told her I sure was, and we started towards the cafeteria.
Normal so far, yes? We switch to the present tense, the better to keep up with the events.
Halfway down the stairs from our classroom, I glance ahead to the lobby area, where I see Christian Yetter. But this is impossible, so I stop and stare. (I am told for about ten seconds. I am told with a rather hostile expression.) The apparation continues to smile at me and look exactly like Christian Yetter, so I continue walking down the stairs. Slowly. (I am told that the hostile expression accompanies me). This cannot actually be real. I have accepted that after the last time I saw Christian Yetter -at the end of July- I will not see him again until I fly to Korea in January. I begin to wonder if I am asleep. However, attempts to pull myself out of dreaming come to nothing, and I can clearly remember a whole normal day before this point. I keep walking. Zero seems to equal one no matter how I turn the facts around.
About halfway down the stairs the 服务员 at the desk enters my field of vision. She looks at me quizzically and points at Christian. She can see him too. I start to walk a little faster, I think. I end up in front of what I have almost accepted is, in fact, Christian Yetter. I repeat the word "How?" a number of times. My friend (I realized later) says she'll see me later.
Christian Yetter is a jerk.
(I was considering going a different direction in that last sentence, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with the "jerk" line.)
He accompanied me as I fumbled around in confusion back to my dorm room, then most of the way to the cafeteria, then off campus to a dumpling restaurant instead.
He flew back to Korea this afternoon. I am hopeful that he landed almost an hour ago. I got him on the way to the airport a couple of hours before his flight, but he hasn't been able to get online or had a cell phone he could use to call and tell me if he made it okay.
It was a good five days. You're a good'un, Christian Yetter.
Okay, so last Wednesday began more or less normally. I walked around the city a bit in the morning running errands, went to International Politics and learned a lot (the unusual item in that class being the announcement of a test next week of which we internationals, at least, had been completely unaware). I spent my two-hour afternoon break online doing nothing in particular. I went to Anthropology and learned some, and had some trouble following my professor’s train of thought. Class ended, a classmate asked me if I was hungry, I told her I sure was, and we started towards the cafeteria.
Normal so far, yes? We switch to the present tense, the better to keep up with the events.
Halfway down the stairs from our classroom, I glance ahead to the lobby area, where I see Christian Yetter. But this is impossible, so I stop and stare. (I am told for about ten seconds. I am told with a rather hostile expression.) The apparation continues to smile at me and look exactly like Christian Yetter, so I continue walking down the stairs. Slowly. (I am told that the hostile expression accompanies me). This cannot actually be real. I have accepted that after the last time I saw Christian Yetter -at the end of July- I will not see him again until I fly to Korea in January. I begin to wonder if I am asleep. However, attempts to pull myself out of dreaming come to nothing, and I can clearly remember a whole normal day before this point. I keep walking. Zero seems to equal one no matter how I turn the facts around.
About halfway down the stairs the 服务员 at the desk enters my field of vision. She looks at me quizzically and points at Christian. She can see him too. I start to walk a little faster, I think. I end up in front of what I have almost accepted is, in fact, Christian Yetter. I repeat the word "How?" a number of times. My friend (I realized later) says she'll see me later.
Christian Yetter is a jerk.
(I was considering going a different direction in that last sentence, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stick with the "jerk" line.)
He accompanied me as I fumbled around in confusion back to my dorm room, then most of the way to the cafeteria, then off campus to a dumpling restaurant instead.
He flew back to Korea this afternoon. I am hopeful that he landed almost an hour ago. I got him on the way to the airport a couple of hours before his flight, but he hasn't been able to get online or had a cell phone he could use to call and tell me if he made it okay.
It was a good five days. You're a good'un, Christian Yetter.
Friday, November 6, 2009
"But everything looks perfect from far away..."
You all may notice that my posts here get more frequent in proportion to the number of other things I should be doing. I am trying to just let myself be productive in whatever way I can, however, so I've decided that's ok. My courses are honestly far less demanding (at least so far, you can ask me again when term papers are due) than most years at U of Iowa, so it will probably work out.
I am still stressing about my presentation on Monday, but I have more or less convinced myself that the stress + my worn-out state from the rest of today make it not worth working too hard tonight. I am instead trying to regain my emotional and intellectual strength for tomorrow. I am doing so by drinking tea, reading fiction, and journaling.
I helped out teaching 5-6 year old boys again this morning, probably for the last time. Getting up very early on a Saturday morning, on top of the discrepancy between my energy wavelength and that of kindergarteners, leaves me ill-equipped to be much use to them. I have found other venues for out-of-school productivity though, so don't be too unhappy for me.
I climbed a mountain today! I was an awfully small mountain- when we first got off the bus Xiaoxuan turned to me and said "山在哪里？" (where's the mountain?)- but I still give myself a lot of credit for climbing it.
Xiaoxuan told me the other day that she had been worried about living with an American, she wasn't sure what cultural problems might arise, but that her fears were misplaced because I am more like her than most people. She, and independently a number of other Chinese classmates both male and female, has told me that I am more like a Chinese student than an American. I am too 文静 (gentle), too 安静 (quiet, peaceful). This is perhaps in large part due to stereotyping, but also to the fact that Americans can be of ridiculous when they travel abroad. Perhaps especially in China, where the first impression people have of foreigners is: FOREIGN, and one quickly realizes that it will be impossible not to stand out.
One thought this repeated observation about myself has led to is that I must be a very odd (perhaps eerie?) presence a lot of the time. I try to let people know I approve of them. I don't sit in silence out of spite or frustration, though perhaps occasionally out of self-doubt. Mostly, I just find a lot to think about in the spaces between the lines on a highway, or the different ways houses seem to greet the world with the lines of their eaves and the sizes of their windows, or the sentences people choose to say when they don't want everyone to know what they are thinking. I am not sure I would not call this wisdom; I seldom reach meaningful conclusions. I just see a lot of interesting paths for my thoughts to travel and generally feel it's better to take them.
Can I tell you a secret? I don't really like to travel that much. I am not very good at transitions. They leave me feeling tilted and worn-out, and it can take a long time for me to recover. I think it took more than a month for me to be okay with Nanjing, and I think I probably won't really have anything solid to say about how I feel about this city until I leave in January and come back in February. But I think that the patchwork quilt of places spread across our planet is one of the greatest gifts we have as residents here. If one dimension of the universe can be described with math and physics, in describing the shapes of the lines that connect all its points, another can be described with biology and ecology, in all of the incredible diversity that those elegant essential truths can combine to create. Another more complex dimension is human, sometimes messier to sort out but all the more poignant for its layers. And all of these are woven in and around and through one another all over our beautiful planet so that whole worlds exist in any one place, and even beginning to draw a line between two of them is magic.
If I chose each day what I would most like to do, I would almost always end up sitting someplace sunny, drinking tea, reading, writing, twirling my hair absent-mindedly, rambling in mutter-y and introverted kind of way, and looking out of windows.
I cannot promise that after next summer I will have seen all the sights in Nanjing, or sought out all of the worthwhile people I could have. I am so grateful for my chance to just be here for a year and let the reality of the place sink in to my consciousness.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
This morning I woke up feeling brand new- I jumped up
I don't like to think of myself as prejudiced. I have the good fortune to come from an educated, intelligent family which has always encouraged me to define myself independently of mainstream culture. I was homeschooled by an anthropologist, and thus was able to name the evil and folly of ethnocentrism before most of my cohorts. More than that, I was raised Baha'i, being taught that all of the different forms of culture and color and thought that humanity expresses are what makes us so beautiful; that beyond it being an atrocity to others to judge people's worth based on external things that don't matter, it would harm deeply me to keep myself from recognizing humanity's essential unity as one species.
All the same, I find that I am very rooted in White, Middle-class, American culture. I have been introduced to some hip-hop artists lately, and while the educated and more broad-minded part of me has not been surprised at all to be amazed by some of their music, the closed-minded white-privileged part of me is beckoning to the rest of white America to look at these expressions of Black culture in the inner cities: Guys, there's art here! And truth, and hope, and beauty.
I know I am behind a lot of people in this realization. I'm grateful that I am so rarely judged as harshly as I deserve to be for shortcomings like this.
The song I'm listening to today that inspired this post is Get By by Talib Kweli, from Brooklyn.
There is a whole lot of world out there to fall in love with, friends!
Ha, and here is a link to lyrics for Get By. I also love Dinosaur Comics, like this one.
All the same, I find that I am very rooted in White, Middle-class, American culture. I have been introduced to some hip-hop artists lately, and while the educated and more broad-minded part of me has not been surprised at all to be amazed by some of their music, the closed-minded white-privileged part of me is beckoning to the rest of white America to look at these expressions of Black culture in the inner cities: Guys, there's art here! And truth, and hope, and beauty.
I know I am behind a lot of people in this realization. I'm grateful that I am so rarely judged as harshly as I deserve to be for shortcomings like this.
The song I'm listening to today that inspired this post is Get By by Talib Kweli, from Brooklyn.
There is a whole lot of world out there to fall in love with, friends!
Ha, and here is a link to lyrics for Get By. I also love Dinosaur Comics, like this one.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Darajun is also a pusher of good things
Having just seen Darajun's list of "Thankfulnesses," I now make my own:
1) Friends. I am so well supported.
2) Family. I am seriously so well supported.
3) Yoghurt.
4) Cats! Allergies be damned!
5) PUPPIES
6) Tea. And sugar. And soy creamer.
7) Airplanes, and the exploration they facilitate.
8) University. I love that learning is my job. Even if I sometimes burn out and get whiny.
9) Prayer, the means to connect to something greater than myself.
10) Books.
Yep; there's that!
1) Friends. I am so well supported.
2) Family. I am seriously so well supported.
3) Yoghurt.
4) Cats! Allergies be damned!
5) PUPPIES
6) Tea. And sugar. And soy creamer.
7) Airplanes, and the exploration they facilitate.
8) University. I love that learning is my job. Even if I sometimes burn out and get whiny.
9) Prayer, the means to connect to something greater than myself.
10) Books.
Yep; there's that!
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