By the hand (hand)- take me by the hand, pretty mama!

I am so grateful for all of the people in my life. I tend to keep people farther away than I really mean to; I am only an occasional member (I feel) of most of the friend groups/communities that are important to me. This is usually the way I mean to be; I try to be there with people when I know I can sincerely care and pay attention to them the way they deserve, and give myself space when I need to. It's also sometimes the way I can't help being. I run into an inner wall pretty consistently that doesn't allow me to say what I mean, or at least makes me wring my hands and say what I mean falteringly. I've noticed that this happens much more often when I begin to judge my life by my ego, by how much I or other people approve of me rather than seeing the things that are happening in the world and in my life and doing the best I can with them.

At the same time, this distance is not just ego or just cowardice. I grew up in a pretty emotionally dysfunctional environment, and I can feel myself starting to cross a line into dependency on specific relationships into ground that isn't healthy (this line having little or nothing to do with the actions of the other person). I am so much happier and healthier, more confident and more comfortable with who I am than I was not all that long ago; I know I am going in good directions, but I do still need to keep track of myself.

It occurs to me that this topic is almost too personal for a public blog, but I'm assuming that if you've taken the time to read this you've probably encountered my emotional wall (it generally manifests in blank stares and noncommittal mutterings, until I find time and space to myself to untangle my thoughts) at some point or another. I'm taking it apart, but it's pretty tenacious. I am so grateful for all the caring, patient, intelligent and meaningful relationships in my life that help me to understand myself and the world a little better every day.

Hm. That wasn't really a travel topic, either. Except that trying to understand the challenges that I bring into relationships with people close to home, without the stresses of being in a new place and far away from my usual support system, will pretty definitely help me to have meaningful and not flailing and frustrated relationships in China next year.