Silhouettes and Shadows

I've kind of let myself be haunted lately, I think. I am constantly berating myself for the work I have not been doing, and thus exhausting myself before I even look at my 'to do' lists. I've been telling myself all the reasons why it's ok for me not to be accomplishing more, instead of just doing what I can and then giving myself a break. I am simultaneously telling myself how disappointed I am with my attitude this semester and making excuses for myself about why I shouldn't have to do any more than I am.

I need to just get over myself. I have the opportunity to learn at the U of Iowa for a few more weeks, and use the academic abilities I have been fostering in a few more projects. I will get something out of all of my classes and then I will be done. There is no reason to guilt myself for senioritis-quality work or give up. I have beautiful friends to support me, and little other than school to worry about right now (and I know how lucky that makes me!).

Also, I need to stop letting short-term worries keep me from doing things that are long-term valuable. A dear friend and counselor told me in the midst of late-semester stress a year or so ago that there will ALWAYS be a hundred urgent little things that need to be done today, and a few important things that make life worth living but don't have deadlines. Do the important ones. I need to turn in assignments -they serve a long-term purpose as well- but relationships with the people I love and serving humanity and making the world a better place should be part of every day I spend on this planet.

Writing these thoughts down really helps me take them more seriously, yo.

Music making the world a better place: K'naan

I've been having a great month as far as music discoveries go, and my favorite is probably K'naan. He's a Somali who's been living in Canada since 1991; he and his mother got out on the last plane. His music is rap/hiphop/rock, a different sound from a lot of the music I have, and I am really enjoying the change. His lyrics in a few songs, however, are absolutely incredible.

The first song I found of his is called Dreamer (linked to youtube). The line "We alive, man. It's ok to feel good" made me glow all afternoon the first time I heard it.

A heavier song is Soobax, which he sings to the warlords in Somalia.

My favorite is probably Take a Minute. It is so real and so powerful, and so incredibly sweet and forgiving.

T.I.A. stands for This Is Africa, and since two weeks in Egypt comprise my entire experience of that continent, I'm not qualified to tell you anything other than this is a badass song.

That's all! Happy listening, and Happy Spring!

By the hand (hand)- take me by the hand, pretty mama!

I am so grateful for all of the people in my life. I tend to keep people farther away than I really mean to; I am only an occasional member (I feel) of most of the friend groups/communities that are important to me. This is usually the way I mean to be; I try to be there with people when I know I can sincerely care and pay attention to them the way they deserve, and give myself space when I need to. It's also sometimes the way I can't help being. I run into an inner wall pretty consistently that doesn't allow me to say what I mean, or at least makes me wring my hands and say what I mean falteringly. I've noticed that this happens much more often when I begin to judge my life by my ego, by how much I or other people approve of me rather than seeing the things that are happening in the world and in my life and doing the best I can with them.

At the same time, this distance is not just ego or just cowardice. I grew up in a pretty emotionally dysfunctional environment, and I can feel myself starting to cross a line into dependency on specific relationships into ground that isn't healthy (this line having little or nothing to do with the actions of the other person). I am so much happier and healthier, more confident and more comfortable with who I am than I was not all that long ago; I know I am going in good directions, but I do still need to keep track of myself.

It occurs to me that this topic is almost too personal for a public blog, but I'm assuming that if you've taken the time to read this you've probably encountered my emotional wall (it generally manifests in blank stares and noncommittal mutterings, until I find time and space to myself to untangle my thoughts) at some point or another. I'm taking it apart, but it's pretty tenacious. I am so grateful for all the caring, patient, intelligent and meaningful relationships in my life that help me to understand myself and the world a little better every day.

Hm. That wasn't really a travel topic, either. Except that trying to understand the challenges that I bring into relationships with people close to home, without the stresses of being in a new place and far away from my usual support system, will pretty definitely help me to have meaningful and not flailing and frustrated relationships in China next year.

Nanjing

I am going to study in Nanjing next year!

I can hear what you'll say next: "Why, Kara, was not your last post all about how tired of studies and ready to do something else you are?"

Yes. Yes it was.

But I am so excited. I am going to take classes in Chinese. I am going to live in Nanjing. With a Chinese roommate. I will be meeting other Americans who are interested in working in/with China, and learning about the Chinese institutions that will help me to do so constructively.

I will be living in Nanjing, a cultural center with lots to explore (including a lake!) and so many people to meet!

I am so excited.

I'll make it. I'm reasonably certain.

I have been burnt-out on school for... oh, a year. I'm disappointed in myself saying so, but I haven't been able to change it. I am still excited about languages, and learning about other places, and using science to build a better understanding of the world around me, but I cannot seem to get myself excited about projects and papers. Mostly, I am writing this to let myself know that it's ok. This is my fifth year of undergrad, and I have a right to be tired of university. I do still have to hold out for the rest of the semester, write the rest of my thesis, take my exams. But being ready for something new doesn't mean I'm failing, it just means I am ready for something new. It just means I need to practice my determination.

I'll make it.